I am on my way to great places in life it is true. I have an abundance of experience I do. Though in my thoughts I have been in the waiting place for some time. I am ready to leap, this mountain I will climb. I am dexterous and deft and have shoes on my feet. I look forward to all the new challenges I’ll meet. Dr. Seuss inspires me day after day to look to a bright future and leave behind all the grey. He was a man of great skills in describing life’s lessons, a master of creative literary expressions. I am revved up for this feat through the cold and the heat. I will stay strong on my journey without missing a beat. I will trust in myself and believe in my heart that the best way to begin is apply and just start. If it is direction you lack any old path will do but on this trip I know just the right way to get through. I have brains in my head and a God that is great He is guiding and inspiring every turn that I take. I am revved up to start on to far off great places of education and growth and friendly new faces. I have HOPE for the future and my journey’s begun, this race I’ve been running with myself I’ve already won!
It has been a great while since I posted anything. I think there are many reasons for that but more recently I have discovered that I am very hard on myself and a perfectionist in many ways. My perfectionistic ways have led me to avoid many things in my life because I feel I can not complete them to the level that I feel they should be. I used to think that perfectionistic types were more concerned with making a piece of art perfect or any number of other specific things. Well, I was stunned to find out that I am right in the trenches myself. It is slightly less literal with me and more abstract in its applications to my life but no less destructive. I am working really hard on figuring my baggage out and how it continues to effect my life in the way that I live it. It turns out I need to have a lot more self forgiveness and less persecution. I am great at analyzing things into the ground for myself and at times with others. I am working to learn how to give myself a break and make mistakes. This seems like a trivial concept to some but I grew up learning a great deal of unhealthy ways to manage my emotions along with a sprinkling of shame and distrust. I am working now on learning to trust myself and dispel continual thoughts of fear and self doubt. I am a work in progress who just happens to be perfect in every way to my God. Wish I could see myself the way he see’s me. Even how my good friends see me would be better then how I see myself much of the time. It is time for all of that to change and I am going to make that happen one day at a time. “Forgive yourself, you are not perfect. Show yourself grace; you are still learning. Show yourself patience; you are on a journey.” I HOPE for increasing forgiveness of myself in all areas of my life. I know God forgives me, now I need to.
In this beautiful world I am embarking on a new journey. A journey toward my masters. I am feeling ready and terrified all at the same time. I trust that I will succeed in this endeavor and find the graduate program that is right for me. I was talking with my friend Gwen the other day and realized that I am really good at faking confidence. This is a character trait that I strive to improve in myself. I have a feeling that I am not the only one who does this. I have often heard the term “fake it until you make it” and firmly believe that in many of life’s lessons we must fake it until we make it. The truth is that everyone has insecurities and I along with many other people in this world have to really work to practice demonstrating the kind of courage and tenacity we hope to truly posses some day. I remember reading about Nelson Mandela and how he to had many doubts but realized that in presenting them he could not help himself nor help others believe in him. It does not mean that the fear, doubt and skepticism does not always reside in all of us on some level. Belief in God tends to relieve some of that fear but often times it still creeps in to many of our thoughts without warning. I have been working on this and HOPE to let Him dissolve my fears. It has been about 16 years since I was in school and I feel that my experience working in the field of inpatient psychiatry has been invaluable to my understanding of mental health care. My greatest HOPE is to continue to try and make a difference in the lives of others. I feel that my purpose on this earth is service to others. I’m not certain about how that will look once I have completed my masters but I know in my heart that I will continue to follow my GPS (Gods positioning system) to help me figure it out. Graduate school pales in comparison to the challenges that many people face on this earth every day but it remains monumental in my life now. Every accomplishment begins with the decision to try and I am ready. Henry David Thoreau stated, “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” Maybe even more important is who you become while achieving your goals. I look forward to finding out.