I watched the debate today. Thought I might have missed something. NOPE! It was about as exciting as watching my 5 year old twins and 10 year old daughter argue with each other. I am sad to say that I have lost precious time from my life I will never get back. I am shocked at how far we have moved away from professional debates where candidates discussed what they intended to do to solve actual national and world issues. Instead, myself and countless others are made to watch whatever it is they tried to pass off as a debate last evening. I am ashamed of our countries candidates and HOPE that the world does not take either as a representation of the real people we have in the United States. I have little faith in either candidates character or moral standards. I HOPE that our country can unite on wanting better than what is currently available. I vote on not settling for the current two options in a country of 3 million. I don’t HOPE, I know we can do better.
I am currently in, what Dr. Seuss referred to as, “The Waiting Place”. I am waiting for my letters of recommendation to be completed and to find out if I am accepted to graduate school. I would like to say that this waiting is easy but it is not. I am eager to hear back one way or another. I remember this same feeling when waiting for returns from college admissions after High School. I am sure that whatever happens I will be fine and beginning the next step in this journey. I am ready for change and feel I have become more short with myself and those around me as a result of my inpatient ways. I HOPE to work on this part of myself and on being more accepting of where I am in this process. After all, when things start moving it may go so quickly that I have to hold on for dear life.
I am on my way to great places in life it is true. I have an abundance of experience I do. Though in my thoughts I have been in the waiting place for some time. I am ready to leap, this mountain I will climb. I am dexterous and deft and have shoes on my feet. I look forward to all the new challenges I’ll meet. Dr. Seuss inspires me day after day to look to a bright future and leave behind all the grey. He was a man of great skills in describing life’s lessons, a master of creative literary expressions. I am revved up for this feat through the cold and the heat. I will stay strong on my journey without missing a beat. I will trust in myself and believe in my heart that the best way to begin is apply and just start. If it is direction you lack any old path will do but on this trip I know just the right way to get through. I have brains in my head and a God that is great He is guiding and inspiring every turn that I take. I am revved up to start on to far off great places of education and growth and friendly new faces. I have HOPE for the future and my journey’s begun, this race I’ve been running with myself I’ve already won!
It has been a great while since I posted anything. I think there are many reasons for that but more recently I have discovered that I am very hard on myself and a perfectionist in many ways. My perfectionistic ways have led me to avoid many things in my life because I feel I can not complete them to the level that I feel they should be. I used to think that perfectionistic types were more concerned with making a piece of art perfect or any number of other specific things. Well, I was stunned to find out that I am right in the trenches myself. It is slightly less literal with me and more abstract in its applications to my life but no less destructive. I am working really hard on figuring my baggage out and how it continues to effect my life in the way that I live it. It turns out I need to have a lot more self forgiveness and less persecution. I am great at analyzing things into the ground for myself and at times with others. I am working to learn how to give myself a break and make mistakes. This seems like a trivial concept to some but I grew up learning a great deal of unhealthy ways to manage my emotions along with a sprinkling of shame and distrust. I am working now on learning to trust myself and dispel continual thoughts of fear and self doubt. I am a work in progress who just happens to be perfect in every way to my God. Wish I could see myself the way he see’s me. Even how my good friends see me would be better then how I see myself much of the time. It is time for all of that to change and I am going to make that happen one day at a time. “Forgive yourself, you are not perfect. Show yourself grace; you are still learning. Show yourself patience; you are on a journey.” I HOPE for increasing forgiveness of myself in all areas of my life. I know God forgives me, now I need to.
In this beautiful world I am embarking on a new journey. A journey toward my masters. I am feeling ready and terrified all at the same time. I trust that I will succeed in this endeavor and find the graduate program that is right for me. I was talking with my friend Gwen the other day and realized that I am really good at faking confidence. This is a character trait that I strive to improve in myself. I have a feeling that I am not the only one who does this. I have often heard the term “fake it until you make it” and firmly believe that in many of life’s lessons we must fake it until we make it. The truth is that everyone has insecurities and I along with many other people in this world have to really work to practice demonstrating the kind of courage and tenacity we hope to truly posses some day. I remember reading about Nelson Mandela and how he to had many doubts but realized that in presenting them he could not help himself nor help others believe in him. It does not mean that the fear, doubt and skepticism does not always reside in all of us on some level. Belief in God tends to relieve some of that fear but often times it still creeps in to many of our thoughts without warning. I have been working on this and HOPE to let Him dissolve my fears. It has been about 16 years since I was in school and I feel that my experience working in the field of inpatient psychiatry has been invaluable to my understanding of mental health care. My greatest HOPE is to continue to try and make a difference in the lives of others. I feel that my purpose on this earth is service to others. I’m not certain about how that will look once I have completed my masters but I know in my heart that I will continue to follow my GPS (Gods positioning system) to help me figure it out. Graduate school pales in comparison to the challenges that many people face on this earth every day but it remains monumental in my life now. Every accomplishment begins with the decision to try and I am ready. Henry David Thoreau stated, “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” Maybe even more important is who you become while achieving your goals. I look forward to finding out.
I am preparing to register for grad school and am feeling a little nervous. I am amazed at how stressful just the thought of going back to school is. I think the process seems more daunting then the actual idea of being in school again. I was thinking about going to see a counselor again just to get some perspective and process through all this anxiety. What is it about taking risks that is so scary. It has got to be the fear of the unknown, of rejection, of failure. I am working on becoming more confident in myself and my abilities. I HOPE that I can do this in the near future. I also feel like the last few posts have been dry and lame. I HOPE for more exciting content. “Twenty years from now you’ll be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the traidwinds in your sails. Explore. Dream.” -Mark Twain.
I have been working a whole lot and in the past couple days started to understand what it means to feel overdone and exhausted. I know that I must be using every last ounce of energy because I have fallen asleep very quickly and slept very soundly. I would like to say that sleep is the best medicine ever. I am convinced that it does more for me more for people then most medication. It can be difficult to get to sleep and for that people will pay for medication. I tend to utilize a little benadryl if I ever have insomnia. It helps get me back into a good sleep cycle. Without sleep people can get psychotic and hallucinate, become irritable and irrational and any number of other things. “The best bridge between despair and HOPE is a good night’s sleep” -E. Joseph Cossman. It is not only amazing to feel what a good night’s sleep can do it is also awesome to see how someone can turn into another person with good sleep. Having seen it first hand for years in the psychiatric units it is one of those little miracles I feel blessed to witness from time to time. Sleep is so great they intentionally put people into coma’s or sleep like states to help them heal themselves more quickly. What an awesome gift. I HOPE that anyone out there who suffers from lack of sleep can find a way to get good sleep. It has the power to change your life. I also hope that it aids me in my weight loss. According to an Irish proverb, “A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything”.
I am in a really sad place today. I feel very emotional and overwhelmed. I am realizing it may have something to do with the fact that I started weight watchers again and struggle to focus on that along with all the rest of my life. This leads to the feelings of being overwhelmed along with thinking about going back to school. I have no place holding a pity party, I feel lucky to have the opportunity to go back to school. This day made me HOPE that in the future if I lose all of my reasoning there is a loving and compassionate person there to take care of me and keep me safe. I am grateful that I have a job, a house, three great kids and a loving husband. So, then why am I feeling so blue? I think it is an emotion and that is all. I am sad and may need to cry a little but will be okay. I know that this feeling is on the move and I will soon be feeling some other emotion and thinking about something else. Until then I HOPE I can accept this emotion for what it is and just feel my way through it. I read something recently that said, “when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.”-unknown.
I am so sorry for my recent neglect to the blog. I have been busy with my family loving summertime and working. I have missed the opportunity to pour out what’s on my mind and my heart. It continues to become more evident that our country is in a state of insecurity. We had lines running outside the emergency room door the other day and I am pretty sure it has something to do with people feeling insecure with the more recent violent events in our country. One of our most basic needs is safety and people can become more unstable and unpredictable as they feel decreased personal safety. I do not agree that the media is the most powerful entity on earth but I do believe that it is playing a large part along with social media in creating fear and perpetuating violence. “The media’s the most powerful entity on earth. They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent, that’s power. Because they control the minds of the masses.” -Malcom X. I think that it is up to every individual to live with integrity and love. Fear is an illusion that keeps people from understanding that we are all connected. Fear drives us apart and fear can unite us. I HOPE that our country will become more united by these events instead of growing further apart. There is a greater plan.
I would love to build a tiny house to put on a lake somewhere. We love to tent camp with the kids and our tent is close to the same size as a tiny cabin would be. I could not imagine staying in a tiny home for more than a week with all five of us but it seems like a great idea that could give us the dream vacation home we could afford, somewhere beautiful. Sounds like a dream especially considering the amount of work we still have to do on our own tiny home to utilize all of our available square footage. Dreams are great! “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” -Eleanor Roosevelt. If we did not have children I could absolutely see us living in a tiny home. We only have a little over 1300 square feet in our current home which may seem like a mcmansion to some but with 3 young children it can seem like the walls are closing in at times. I am grateful we have a home of our own and plan to continue to HOPE and dream for the future. As long as we have each other home could really be anywhere. I sure love them!